Strangling Curtains

In two hours I have a test. The information is simple and I know - to some extent - what the test is going to look like. Our first test gave me an easy A. I should be ready for an encore, but I'm not. I can't focus. As I read the words on the page and beg the lists to cement anywhere in my conscious, my eyes grow heavy, my body heat increases and my stomach begins to turn. I push thoughts of the rest of the day, tomorrow, post-graduation out of my head, but it only delays their inevitable re-entry. My future has always been an exciting endeavour and one that I was ready to embrace. Now, without gym, that bright future has turned into a impenetrable dark curtain; wrapping itself around me, tighter and tighter until there is no escape and no hope of seeing the sky again.

I was good at gymnastics. I had confidence as an athlete and as a leader. Here, in the soon-to-be real world, I have no confidence and can't seem to figure out what to do with the things I am good at and enjoy. Everyone is asking questions I don't have the answers to, and I can't seem to find anyone to help me with those answers. There is only one constant, my girlfriend. For that, I can't be more grateful. She keeps me in one piece, even when I want to be torn apart. She's simultaneously by my side and holding me up when I need it most. But, as much as I would like it, she cannot mold my future for me. She cannot find me a job or admit me into grad. school. She cannot venture into the world and encounter the things I fear the most for me. She can only support me and for that, I am grateful.

Being in the adult world, with all of its trails and tribulations, cannot be as difficult and anxiety striven as my attempt to make it there.

why I'm here

Although I have never partaken in "blog writing", I am an avid blog reader. It's an easy way of staying in touch without actually having to speak to the person every day, a task that I almost always try to avoid. My father has been blogging for years, and, like a good child, I've decided to follow in his footsteps. That is hardly to say that I will even attempt to live up to the naturally poetic voice he speaks from or the consistency of his blog posts. I have decided, however, that I need an outlet.

I've used a journal to express my thoughts and feeling during hard times for years. I've written books on how awful the world is and, more often, how stupid and petty I am. However, somehow, I feel like it is still inside. Though on a separate medium from myself, it is contained within my realm and no one else's. It is still hiding... ripping... bleeding to get out. So, born to a technologically driven generation, I've decided typing my thoughts and putting them out, quite literally, to the universe, will somehow release them from their cage and the pressure will subside.... we shall see....