ah, blah, and humph!

I feel like shit. No physical reason for it however. I've not workout in days and coaching is about the only other movement I get. Exams are looming ahead of me, and I can't see to get motivated. Instead of getting focused I get tired. So, I decide to take a nap. Then I get anxious because I'm not working. This all ends with me running circles around my work, building anxiety as I go. I've managed to completely blow off what should have been my most productive day before finals. Great. And, to boot, I'm starting to feel like a second wheel to Shannon around everyone. I feel like she has created this small network of friends, and I have become this quiet partner. That's probably the first time I have been in that situation, and I'm sure it's not going to get better any time soon. I'm dating an amazing person and people are finally starting to see that. I just wish my team, coaches and even athletes would not seemingly invite me just to invite her to do things.

I hate not having gym. I hate not having the excuse to stop thinking for a little while and focus on something that is instantly gratifying and enjoyable on the worst of days. No, I've lost that part of my life and the friends that go with it, and, instead, I spend hour sulking around the house trying to replace gym with food. Amazing - Getting fat will surely get me out of this pit of self-pity that I have drug myself into -sure.....

Good thing no one knows that I have a blog, huh?! Might lose the friends that Shannon still has....
later

Off

I had an amazing weekend. I took my girlfriend up to Chicago to go shopping at the outlet center and then spent all day coaching and hanging out with my old team and coaches. It was the perfect weekend. Now I feel a lot like I do after a particularly good meet... off. I've got work looming ahead of me, and responsibilities back on my plate. I'm not stressed about the work I have to get done or the week ahead of me, but I'm not motivated to get any of it done either. I'm more motivated to sleep, but since I didn't get up until about 11 this morning (mostly due to a 2am bedtime after a night out with an old coach and friends), I am trying to convince myself to find something to do other than shut down.
My girlfriend has been up for hours, stressed about finishing her edits for her proposal, and is now making breakfast for us both because.....
chicken and cheese on a English muffin.... got to go....
my girlfriend is amazing. Changes my day with a smile and a shuffle back to the chicken.
later

dysfunctional morning

I woke up today, optimistic about what was in store for me. I got dressed quickly and headed downstairs to print off my notes. Alas, our teacher is clearly up to something and there are no notes to be printed. So, I went to check my email instead. This is a fairly simple process that can be done while, as I was, eating breakfast. As my diet Pepsi loomed over my keyboard, I did not expect the source of my malfunction to come from within the computer. It seems that every time I try and open up my email, Internet explorer crashes and I've lost whatever it was I was doing. The logical individual would have done one of two things: given up until the problem could be solved or tried to fix said problem. I, on the other hand, decided to check my email in about 45 sec. intervals between crashes. This process, while amusing, only added to my dysfunctional morning. So now, with about five minutes before I have to leave for my first class of the day, I can't help but think that I have missed something about this upcoming class with no notes and I am about to walk into something catastrophic. Ah.... Tuesdays!
later

Strangling Curtains

In two hours I have a test. The information is simple and I know - to some extent - what the test is going to look like. Our first test gave me an easy A. I should be ready for an encore, but I'm not. I can't focus. As I read the words on the page and beg the lists to cement anywhere in my conscious, my eyes grow heavy, my body heat increases and my stomach begins to turn. I push thoughts of the rest of the day, tomorrow, post-graduation out of my head, but it only delays their inevitable re-entry. My future has always been an exciting endeavour and one that I was ready to embrace. Now, without gym, that bright future has turned into a impenetrable dark curtain; wrapping itself around me, tighter and tighter until there is no escape and no hope of seeing the sky again.

I was good at gymnastics. I had confidence as an athlete and as a leader. Here, in the soon-to-be real world, I have no confidence and can't seem to figure out what to do with the things I am good at and enjoy. Everyone is asking questions I don't have the answers to, and I can't seem to find anyone to help me with those answers. There is only one constant, my girlfriend. For that, I can't be more grateful. She keeps me in one piece, even when I want to be torn apart. She's simultaneously by my side and holding me up when I need it most. But, as much as I would like it, she cannot mold my future for me. She cannot find me a job or admit me into grad. school. She cannot venture into the world and encounter the things I fear the most for me. She can only support me and for that, I am grateful.

Being in the adult world, with all of its trails and tribulations, cannot be as difficult and anxiety striven as my attempt to make it there.

why I'm here

Although I have never partaken in "blog writing", I am an avid blog reader. It's an easy way of staying in touch without actually having to speak to the person every day, a task that I almost always try to avoid. My father has been blogging for years, and, like a good child, I've decided to follow in his footsteps. That is hardly to say that I will even attempt to live up to the naturally poetic voice he speaks from or the consistency of his blog posts. I have decided, however, that I need an outlet.

I've used a journal to express my thoughts and feeling during hard times for years. I've written books on how awful the world is and, more often, how stupid and petty I am. However, somehow, I feel like it is still inside. Though on a separate medium from myself, it is contained within my realm and no one else's. It is still hiding... ripping... bleeding to get out. So, born to a technologically driven generation, I've decided typing my thoughts and putting them out, quite literally, to the universe, will somehow release them from their cage and the pressure will subside.... we shall see....