Strangling Curtains

In two hours I have a test. The information is simple and I know - to some extent - what the test is going to look like. Our first test gave me an easy A. I should be ready for an encore, but I'm not. I can't focus. As I read the words on the page and beg the lists to cement anywhere in my conscious, my eyes grow heavy, my body heat increases and my stomach begins to turn. I push thoughts of the rest of the day, tomorrow, post-graduation out of my head, but it only delays their inevitable re-entry. My future has always been an exciting endeavour and one that I was ready to embrace. Now, without gym, that bright future has turned into a impenetrable dark curtain; wrapping itself around me, tighter and tighter until there is no escape and no hope of seeing the sky again.

I was good at gymnastics. I had confidence as an athlete and as a leader. Here, in the soon-to-be real world, I have no confidence and can't seem to figure out what to do with the things I am good at and enjoy. Everyone is asking questions I don't have the answers to, and I can't seem to find anyone to help me with those answers. There is only one constant, my girlfriend. For that, I can't be more grateful. She keeps me in one piece, even when I want to be torn apart. She's simultaneously by my side and holding me up when I need it most. But, as much as I would like it, she cannot mold my future for me. She cannot find me a job or admit me into grad. school. She cannot venture into the world and encounter the things I fear the most for me. She can only support me and for that, I am grateful.

Being in the adult world, with all of its trails and tribulations, cannot be as difficult and anxiety striven as my attempt to make it there.