Redefining Me...

The other day, I agreed to be interviewed by a PhD student here at the university about my experience as a college level athlete. I was very eager to talk about my experience. I've been through a lot, but I left the sport sad to go and still loving it, which is more than most gymnasts will admit to. I walked into her office with thousands of ideas I wanted to make sure I conveyed. All of these vanished like a scared cat meeting a new "friend" with the first question.

"So Danielle, let's start with something easy.... How would you say you define yourself?!"

Silence.... Define myself. Images started flashing through my head. My 8 hour day job where I sit at a desk, on the phone, fixing the problems the wonders of technology have brought us. Well, I think health is important, but lately, I'm lucky to get a 30 min. workout in every other day or so, and showering has become a luxury that I usually only partake in when the hair on my legs starts hurting underneath my pants, or I start to notice a strong odor when I point to a map I want any of my little gymnasts to go get for practice. So, how can I sum up who I am and differentiate it between who I would like to be?...

In the past, it's always been easy to explain who "I" was. I was, primarily, a gymnast and a student. Now, I am left with a blank spot after the question mark that I'm scarred to fill in. I'm a clerk in Procurement? I'm a gymnastics coach for a team that barely exists?
I suppose I could always fall back on the, "I'm gay" statement, but I feel as though that show very little of who I am since the gay culture is not something that I have been much a part of.

Now, I have to look deeper into myself (scary!), and find out what I am past the labels that are so easy to place on each of us. Can I consider myself someone who lives a healthy life? Do I work out enough, do I take care of myself mentally and spiritually enough? What about a loyal friend. There was that one time when.... or that one person who....

In the end, I gave her a list of adjectives that I hoped described who I was - or at least what I hoped I was viewed as (hard worker, etc.). But, even after the 45 min. interview, this question was still bouncing around in my head. I am....... I am a...... I can be........ Never completing the sentence.

So, I ran around, chasing my tail for days, trying to find the right combination of adjectives and nouns to fully describe what makes me, well, me. As of now, I've come to the decision that I am in transition (and no, my breast will still be in tact when I am through). Just as much as I a physically in transition between graduating from undergrad and looking to further my education, I am also emotionally and spiritually in transition. I still plan to strive for the parts of my that I believe in like working hard and caring about the people close to me in my life, but I no longer feel like I swallowed an apple whole on an empty stomach when this question pushes its way to the front of my conscious. I am who I am. I will let the rest of the world work on defining what that is, and I will simply just be for now!

1 more venting session accomplished